Hello again, it has been awhile since we last connected, right? The last year seemed like it lasted a decade and was also gone in the blink of an eye, which still boggles my mind. If you have been following along on my instagram, you know I have been much less connected and engaged in my social media, and I feel like I'm finally ready to address that. I am hoping that, at the very least, it helps someone else not feel so alone in the chaos that is life right now.
I noticed a few months into the pandemic that my anxiety had hit an all time high, which was new to me, as I usually had a pretty standard 'threshold' of mental health maintenance that I knew I could manage but fluctuated depending on the amount of stress life was throwing my way. This was different, it started quietly and then built over time. As months passed, I was having a hard time falling asleep at night, my stomach always hurt, and it was hard to eat. This went on and off over the span of months, sometimes resulting in me feeling like I could do nothing but go through the motions of the day, and other times with me feeling like everything would work out because it always did, and that was just the simple truth of it. No matter what though, the anxiety has held on, and I don't see it going anywhere anytime soon, so I've buckled up for the ride.
Last week, I had a full on emotional meltdown, after a stretch of quite a few weeks of feeling good. Emotions of grief came up for my grandfather who we lost in August, emotions of guilt came up over the fact that this pandemic has caused our work/home balance to take a hit that has impacted our 4 year old, emotions of panic over the pandemic in general + the overriding question about whether or not my child will get to go to an in person pre-school or kindergarten this coming fall, plus so much more. I haven't been as "active" on social media, partially because I've been overwhelmed with my own mental health, and partially because I often don't like to share unless it's fairly positive. Not that I ever want to only share the highlights with you guys, but if I do share the real life shit, I want to at least have a silver lining or take away to tie it all up. That's really hard to do when you are struggling to find the silver lining yourself. The outcome has just been me slowly working on getting back into what I enjoy doing (creating content) plus giving myself some fucking room to breathe a little. I've been finding small things I can do consistently to work on managing my anxiety and I want to share those things with you but before that, I want to remind you of a few things.
The anxiety isn't a do X to fix Y type of ordeal, it is more of a do X, try Z, do X 47 more times, and then start all over again to manage Y type of process. Be patient, talk to someone you love about it, seek out a professional opinion if you feel like you can't manage it on your won. There is NOTHING weak about that. Also, know that you are in good company, the rest of us are trying to get our ducks in a row too.
If you are a fellow momma, know that I have a special place in my heart for you. This shit is HARD, like super hard, and then add a pandemic and the whole world feels like it is on fire. Motherhood has rocked my world since I became one, but I've felt that on a even larger scale lately. I just want you know know you aren't alone, and you trying to do your best is beyond enough. I can't even tell you how many times I've felt unqualified for motherhood, or held onto guilt over things I can't control for my child. I'm sharing this with you because I just don't feel like enough of us admit it, and I hope that this helps you feel a little less overwhelmed and alone.
It is okay to be emotional, to be messy, to need a good cry and and extra couple hours of sleep. It doesn't mean you are unproductive, it means you are listening to yourself and your needs. Give yourself some room for that every once in awhile.
Okay, so with that, and because I feel I can't responsibly leave you on that note, here are some easy things I've been adding into my routine to help get my mind right.
+ Gratitude journaling or listing. Write it down every morning or make a mental list every night. You decide, but please take some time to pick a few things and just really thank God, the universe, whatever, for those things in your life. Mine are often my family and the bed I sleep in plus something that has happened during that day or week. Get specific, really sit in that feeling and embrace feeling safe in it. Gratitude is so powerful, add that tool to your mental health toolbox.
+ Sleep gummies. I have a hard time sleeping when my anxiety peeks, and so we have been trying out some different types of sleep supplements. The one that has been my favorite and we have gotten consistently now is hims & hers and of course, like all good things, is available at target. I have linked it for you.
+ Early bedtime/early rise. This one is hard, but I am trying to be so much more consistent with it. I have a bedtime alarm set on my phone for 11:00PM and a wake up alarm set for 8:00AM. This has helped me get more scheduled, which in turn, has helped me feel a little bit more in control and has eased my anxiety in the process. I also make sure I am not getting on social media right before bed, and that my friend, has helped out tremendously.
+ Talk about it. Call a friend, your mom, sit down with your spouse, get a therapist. Just find a way to talk about all those feelings you are holding onto. Last week while I was having my total emotional meltdown I was able to talk to my partner about it, and then also go visit my best friend and have another good cry and fresh perspective as well. It made all the difference. And if you feel like you don't have anyone, you absolutely have me, send me a message, brain dump what is going on and I will be there to listen. We all need to know we aren't alone in this. [If you need immediate assistance or feel suicidal, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255].
I hope this has helped you. I know it was a relief for me to just write it all out and get it off of my own mind. If you need extra suggestions or just want to talk please feel free to reach out to me! I love hearing from you guys and I plan to be more engaged now that I am feeling more capable again. Just know, it will work out, you are one tough cookie, and I am proud of you for showing up to this mess called life. xoxo -lauren